It’s an uncomfortable, but necessary topic at times.
I feel like this topic is hush-hush in our society. Mother’s do not tell how many miscarriages they’ve had, the pain they went through, the yearning for the child they will never hold in their arms. It’s awkward when someone does speak out – what do you say? How do you act? However, it is so real. The pain is there – physically and emotionally, and I believe this should be talked about.
It’s healthy to talk about it. Bottling it up doesn’t work for everyone, and sure, we all handle pain differently. No matter how we heal however, it’s good to KNOW though that someone out there understands, has been there, walked through it.
I found out I was pregnant when I was 6 weeks along, and we were so excited. I called and made an appointment and when I went in for my first sonogram at 8 weeks, the Doctor found no fetal pole. Encouraging me, he stated that I could be super early, that the date of conception was off, and that I should come in the following week for another sonogram. But as I left the office that day, I KNEW. I knew the conception date was not off but I pushed that thought deep down and consoled myself with his optimistic words. The next week as I sat there staring at the pregnancy sack on the sonogram screen, it was painfully obvious. I was miscarrying. Pain hits me slowly – I don’t burst into tears, scream, or pound the wall. It’s a numbing pain – like my brain is protecting itself. I cried silent tears as I drove home talking to my husband, and later that night the tears flowed hard.
What do you do when your “perfect plans” change? When your excitement for a new little baby is crushed in an instant? When you look on the screen and know that little life will never blossom, will never run through grass, sit at the table with little hands folded, hug you around the neck?
We prayed.
Through prayer and through several days of on-and-off tears, I did develop a peace. It came slowly and silently, but it was there. The calm assurance that God knows best. He sees the whole picture. He already has my story written, as well as the little life that barely made it to 6 weeks. The song He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands played over in my head – the line that sings “He’s got the itty bitty baby, in His hands, He’s got the whole world in His hands” and I knew there was a reason, although I may never understand.
A couple weeks passed and my sister-in-law experienced a miscarriage. The healing scar opened wide again and the pain was there, like new. And again, the song came to my mind, and again, God brought peace.
I hope you find that peace, mommas. God is there, and He has your story written. Hug a little baby tighter – any baby around you. Life is precious, and so is Heaven. I believe there’s more tiny angel feet running around up there than we will ever know. Praying for you all!
XOXO
